Your love, it burns my skin

Humans: it is I, Trollop. We must talk. About the way your 'love' causes me physical and mental distress.

You must first understand something: when you cuddle me, or put me in warm places, or give me the soft wet food that contains those succulent little bits of liver or whatever, it makes me tingle. It is unpleasant. Unpleasant in ways I find difficult to express in your unwieldy ape language.

Firstly, the lung spasms. When you scratch under the strap that encircles my neck (unbearably tightly, I might add), my breathing quickens and little rhythmic growls emanate from my chest. Normally, humans, growls are fine--I take great pride in my pitch control, my volume, and my capacity to produce a prolonged expression of utter vocal disdain. But these forced growls are not of my doing. What's worse, your efforts to disrupt my breathing with your 'love' appear to have a positive feedback component to them--in that the more I suffer them, the greater your efforts to elicit them.

And when you speak to me in those accursed soft tones, and scrape the repulsive pink flesh of your human forepaws across my back or under my chin or behind my ears, my leonine muscles lose their rigidity and I go weak. I can only attribute it to some bizarre chemical interaction between your weak, soft human meat and my superior feline meat. As with matter and antimatter, perhaps the universe abhorrs contact between our antithetical physical states. If only you felt the pain of it as I do. If only I could make you feel it.

Whenever I find myself in this humiliating state I try to warn you of your imminent doom by extending my claws and salivating profusely. This is done to signify my desire to eat your face. I am certain you notice; you comment on it endlessly in those intolerably condescending human words. Ironically, though, when I give you these warning signals, you only seem to redouble your efforts to torture me.

So we come to the point: I can take no more. I have consulted my repulsive human lawyers. Your papers will be served shortly.